Telling Each Other the Truth

The six years I spent as an urban youth worker really helped shape some of my views on how to do ministry. One thing I've become increasingly aware of is the fact that lots of churches in America have simply become "too safe". Many congregations try to offer everything, demand nothing and they go out of their way to avoid offending anyone. And don't get me wrong, some of those congregations are successful at bringing in new members. But from my experience, feel-good Christianity is a major turn-off in the long run, especially for men.

Probably 95% of my ministry has been to males. When I'm teaching faith principles, I use a lot of war and sports analogies and metaphors because I've found these to be especially effective when explaining spiritual concepts to guys. Most of the guys from my youth ministry (some of whom I mentor now as young adults) are not impressed with pie-in-the-sky, "touchy-feely" Christianity. They respond better to real Christianity, warts and all. Church is family, but it looks more like Roseanne to them than Leave It to Beaver. And if we're honest, we know that's the way it is for us too.

When I'm counseling or mentoring someone, I've discovered that one of the things people value most is honesty, even when it hurts. Life is full of critics and "yes men", but very few people will give someone a balanced picture. For years, my spirit was troubled by all of the "trash talk" I encountered in urban youth culture. Even the Christian kids would constantly say nasty stuff and put each other down. I tried everything I could to stop it, and mostly failed, even with my core group. Then I realized that this "confrontational boldness" could be redirected toward something more positive. Now I encourage the guys to be real with each other and share truth in love, but I don't attempt to turn them into a bunch of wusses who only give out daily affirmations. And I try to get them to use the thick skin they've developed from years of trading insults to gladly receive correction and instruction from other Christians. Most of us are, frankly, too easily offended when it comes to matters of faith. And we wonder why so many of us have become disillusioned with the Christian life.

When's the last time you confronted a Christian friend about:

• hypocrisy
• lack of faith
• being too negative
• bad language
• laziness
• immaturity
• complacency
• financial irresponsibility
• bad health choices
• being wasteful
• sexual sin

The Bible makes clear that we shouldn't be judging those outside the church. Other Christians, however, are a different matter entirely. But from my experience, people don't receive correction well unless you've somehow earned the right to give it to them. (And even those encounters aren't usually without drama.) Unfortunately, some Christians avoid confrontation entirely because they don't "have everything together" themselves. The key here isn't to wait until you're perfect, but to have accountability relationships of your own.

Comments

[Wilson]

The key is having relationships where people listen and don't get defensive. This can sound easy, but as anyone whose tried to live into Matthew 18 it is quite difficult.

In many cases, I feel that the best way to begin a confrontation of the kind you describe is through personal confession to show that the confrontation does not come out of self-righteousness but humble love. Often times, also, confession doesn't lead anywhere, but it can open up a space to give people the chance to look at themselves first. Confession and accountability is being accountable to the Body of Christ, not just to those to whom you are comfortable confessing.

This is not a way to get out of confronting a brother or sister when they sin, but making sure that they will hear me as a brother and not as someone else.

[Michael]

An example of confronting someone about their sin or an example of usurping a pastor's authority?

http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/undergod/2009/07/separation_of_church_and_state_party.html?hpid=talkbox1

[John Meuneir]

The Wesleyan bands had a real advantage here. To join - if I recall correctly - you had to pledge that you wanted to be told the whole truth and be confronted.

I'd say in most of our church settings we have - if anything - a tacit promise to do exactly the opposite.

[Jeremy Roseman]

I actually preached on judging not too long ago. Making judgments is a must. Too many misinterpret Matthew 7. If anyone is truly serious about following Christ then they would be willing to take criticism and honestly if they were really taking their faith seriously I doubt anyone would have to tell them.